Can't Sleep, So I Write

So many things on my mind... It doesn't want to stop thinking.

My classes are all so fascinating this year that it'll certainly be interesting. Seems like my homework is taking longer this semester as well because I'm more invested in it. I'm also amazed that simply because I'd been praised for my intelligence my whole life, I've been put into a mindset that actually hinders how I do in school. I'm hoping to change that. I'm hoping to change a lot this semester. I hope to become healthier and I hope to do better in school. I want to save up as much as possible as well, but I'm not sure that'll be all that possible.

I'm very concerned about him and his finances and I still think he's covering up a little too much about them. He's going to end up in big trouble and all because he's embarrassed of what's happened to him. I love him so much that I just can't bear for that to happen. I'm especially concerned for January when I won't be around to ask the prying questions.

I'm also worried about you. You're so quiet now that it worries me. I don't know if you hate hanging out with me or if you like it. I haven't heard from you in forever and I feel like you're ignoring me because you think I just want to use you for disney world, which I'm not

I really want to go to disney world... that would be incredible. Especially with that family. I want to do everything that they're doing and experience everything that they're going to experience. It's been my dream to go at Christmastime and I was even invited to go, which just makes it that much worse. I had to be the adult and choose education over a week in DisneyWorld at Christmastime.

I'm really sorry I missed your birthday. I tried to figure out when things were happening to hang out with you but it just didn't work out. I was actually pretty upset that I didn't get to see you the entire time that you were here. Things just seem to be a little bit awkward between me and everyone else in the apartments. I also know that you'd understand. I still feel bad that I wasn't there for your birthday. I miss you quite a bit.

Regret

The point of this blog is to rant without telling everyone and upsetting people but it is not how I wanted it to be.

Infinity and Beyond

It is true. That is how much I care about you.

Last Weekend

I miss you already. I had such an incredible time with everyone (even if I was frustrated at various points) that I just want it to continue. I miss you so much. I wish I lived with you.

Stressed

I'm stressed for the summer schedule. I don't know how I'm going to balance two jobs and trying to get down to salem every now and then. It's going to be crazy.

Birthday Excitment

I'm so incredibly excited for my birthday. I think its going to turn out amazing. I can't wait for it. You are incredible. I really do wish you would have let me pay for some of it though... And I hope you don't give my boy too much money at the sex shop... Hell, to me it would have been a good enough birthday present to just bring him there. You have done so much for me.

Presents

I never wanted to give you a hint about something I would like. I honestly want you to think about what you know about me in order to pick something out. I don't care if it's not the most amazing thing in the world, I just want to know you tried without having my help. You're too afraid of screwing up to try though so I've decided to give you a couple of hints.

Afraid

Sometimes I'm afraid that if we end our relationship you will turn into the same person you were when you stopped being friends with her. I don't want you making me out to be a horrible person to various people. Especially people who know I've been there for you longer than they have. It just hurts knowing that people have already started to say that they have no clue why you're still my friend. If they're saying that, then I know they aren't getting the full story. Sometimes it makes me wonder if perhaps more happened between you and her that I didn't know about before...

New Goals

I intend to lost 8 lbs in the next 5 weeks. If that does not happen then oh well, I will still be happy. I have lost 13lbs since January and I am happy. I am glad that you are encouraging me and helping me along. That app you exposed me too might help as well...

Smell

I can't stand sitting next to you during class. Could you please brush your teeth and take a gas x every now and then? Perhaps if you did that then I would pay better attention. Good thing you're not always there...

Privacy

I wish I had a little more of it. I would love to be able to sit in a quiet place without being disturbed and just read for hours. I would also like to spend more time with you, but my lack of privacy prevents that.

Quitting

Talking to you seemed to have helped. I still think I'm going to quit though, I just don't know when.

What I want

What I want I can't have. I want other people to want the same thing as me. I cannot change what they want, therefore, I perpetually do not get what I want. I do not want them to bend their will to me, I want them to do the same stuff as me or as what I want because they get enjoyment out of it too. I wish people would stop asking me what I want. What I want, I cannot have.

Hospital

I didn't even realize how terrified I was in the hospital until I relive the memory. I'm glad I'm not blind.

Wondering

I know you still love her, you've admitted this to me. I also know it's possible to love more than one person, but I can't help but think, will you ever love someone as much as you love her?

I miss you

I miss you and wish I could have you back.

Pain

I had really hoped that these pain killers would help, but it seems that even them can't stop the pain from surgery.

Surgery

My mom asked me if I wanted to wait until you or you could join me. You I knew wouldn't be able to because of distancing and work. You I knew wouldn't be able to because you just don't seem to care as much as you used to. I told her no rather than explain all that.

Catch up

Why does getting sick have to be such in the pain in the butt. I  no wanna do the work.

Ireland

I'm going to Ireland! I'm super excited, but also worried. I really hope you're able to do long distance...

Boyfriend

I'm confused as to why you're afraid of the term. It's what you are to me, but you don't want the title for some reason. The only possible reason why I don't think you'd want to be called my boyfriend is because you want an open relationship, but that doesn't even make sense. Simple from the amount of time we spend together talking, skyping, or texting, there's no way you'd be having another relationship.

Still Sick

I really don't like being this sick. I just want it to stop. I hurt all the time now and I don't know how to fix it. I want to go to the dance with you tomorrow but I'm not sure I'll be able to.

Sleep

I want it desperately, but every time I go to bed I can't seem to find it.

Cold

I really wish this cold would go away. I also hope that I don't end up giving it to any of you.

Smell

Falling asleep with my teddy is simply amazing now. Thank you.

Disappointment

I was hoping you would come today and so were you. Too bad it didn't work out.

Phsyics

YOU SHALL DIE WITH A CRUEL MALLET SHOVED THROUGH YOUR HEART!

Kashar

You worry me sometimes. I haven't heard from you in forever and it makes me wonder. I hope we are able to talk again soon.

Friends

I miss you, and you, and you, and just about everyone else too.

Something New

I trust you a little too much sometimes. I can't believe I admitted to you that I'm interested in that.

Dirty

*Warning to those who don't want to know about sexual life, do not read this post*



You are incredibly good... both in telling it and doing... I'm excited to try stuff with you.

New Boy

I promised myself I wouldn't date anyone until I came back from studying abroad, but I just like you too much.

Sleep

I really wish I could sleep right now. Surprisingly I keep thinking of curling up with you every time I get super tired.

Antibiotics

Why does something so good for you have to be so foul? I hate the smell of the swallow pills, and the lotion just makes me sticky.

Black Eye

Yeah... so I definitely have one. I hope I can figure out a way to hide it before work tomorrow...

Doctors Appointment

You are very annoying to have with me at a doctors appointment. And those doctors appointments are much too long for their own well being. I learned a lot, but I didn't want to be there that long, especially with the small amount of sleep I had.

Boy

The funny thing right now is, that I'm not interested at all in having a boyfriend. Sure he'd be nice to cuddle, but that is the only good reason I can think of. I think its time to focus on myself and my health.

Hurt

You've hurt me so many different times, and you don't even know or care.

Selfish

God, I can't believe that that's the reason you thought I said you were selfish for. Shows how much you know about me. I don't give a flying shit in hell about whether you stayed for closing or not. We had it covered. You are selfish because you are prioritizing your own fun over the health and wellness of hundreds of people. There is a REASON that if you have a fever in school you're sent home immediately and then not allowed to return the next day. You have to wait at least 24 hours until your fever is gone. It's because you can risk harming others. The only reason I even said yes to watching the movie with you tonight was because I knew it was only 20 minutes long and that I only have 4 more days here. Guess you didn't care about any of that.

School Again

I can't wait to go back to school. I want to finally be able to get a good nights sleep. I want to be around all my Shepardite friends again. I want classes to start up. And I mostly just want to be away from you, so it doesn't feel so painful to have you just shove me aside all the time.

Doing Things For Those I Care About

For those people I truly care about, I do things that I normally wouldn't. I don't think this is a good quality. Seems like I always regret it...

Given Up Trying

For a long time before I came home I was very excited to hang out with you. I never expected to turn out the way it did. It seems like if I ever want to spend time with you, I have to fight for it. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of doing things I just really am not interested in just to spend time with you. I'm done. You can have all the fun you like, but you'll be seeing less of me. Maybe one day you'll turn back into the friend I love and dearly miss, but, for now, you've changed and I don't think you really want to be around me anymore. So fine, you get your wish, I won't try to hang out with you.